Emotional intelligence: Rhythms of growth

Anger. Fear. Disgust. Happiness. Sadness.

These are the emotions we learn in childhood. Subconsciously, we assign values to them, deciding if they’re “good” or “bad” based on patterns modeled for us by parents and peers. We may make decisions based on their existence or shut them off entirely out of self-preservation. Either way, we become ever aware of their impact on our heart, walk with Christ, and interactions with others.

As adults, when we start to unpack (or repack) our emotional selves, we dive deeper and recognize the hold emotions have on our lives. We often ask:

• What does God say about our emotions?
• Are they inherently “good” or “bad”?
• Do they even matter anyway?

The answers are found in unlocking God’s design for emotional intelligence.

What is emotional intelligence, and why is it important?

Emotional intelligence is all about awareness. In fact, it means recognizing:

• Our emotions and the emotions of others
• Our ability to make sense of those emotions
• Our capacity to receive, acknowledge, and understand emotions
• Our skills in self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and decision-making

As believers, we often label showing (or sometimes even experiencing) emotions as undesirable. On one hand, we may believe we must keep our emotions “bottled up,” while simultaneously ignoring or pushing down the emotions of others. On the other hand, if we freely feel our emotions, we may run the risk of letting our emotions run us.

It’s true that we don’t want to be ruled by our emotions. In fact, we’re called to bring every thought and emotion to God:

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:5 [NIV]

However, as humans, it’s important to remember we’re created in the image of God [Genesis 1:26-27]. That includes our emotions, too. Throughout the Bible, we see examples of God feeling love, sadness, righteous anger, and more. Jesus even cried at the death of Lazarus [John 11:25], giving us a tangible display of inner emotional empathy.

If God, being holy and perfect, can feel emotions, we can too.

If God, being holy and perfect, can display emotions, we can too.

If God, being holy and perfect, can show emotional empathy for others, we can too.

We, being imperfect, will never have perfect emotional awareness on this side of heaven. However, we shouldn’t condemn ourselves for our emotions. Instead, we can embrace and view them as signposts—gifts given by God that can be used for His glory. As Jennie Allen, author of “Untangle Your Emotions,” writes:

“When we deny our pain, losses, and feelings year after year, we become less and less human. We transform slowly into empty shells with smiley faces painted on them.”― Jennie Allen

God doesn’t want empty shells. He wants emotional beings.

Building blocks for emotional and mental health

Having high emotional intelligence means relating to ourselves and others effectively. When we’re in tune with our emotions, we cultivate mental wellbeing. This is crucial as we unpack and separate our thoughts from our feelings, experiences, pains, and purposes.

Here’s a breakdown of ways to start building emotional intelligence:

• Play the name game: Start by identifying what’s going on. Give it a name and explore the additional layers of what you’re experiencing, both externally (physically) and internally (mentally).
• Limit labels: Resist assigning value to emotions. Emotions aren’t inherently “good” or “bad.” Allow your emotions to exist and act as signals to dig into what’s really happening.
• Feel, release, and invite redemption: Begin practicing self-awareness and allow yourself to truly feel the emotions you’re experiencing. Release those emotions to God and invite Him to share His perspective with you.
• Build communication skills: Learn more about conflict resolution, active listening, non-verbal cues, and other effective ways of communicating.
• Challenge internal narratives: No matter what your emotional state looks like, God always invites us into new beginnings. Stop negative thought spirals by journaling, getting outdoors, or asking a trusted friend to be your emotional accountability buddy.
• Chat and unpack: Explore emotional awareness by scheduling time with a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, family member, or counselor.

You are not alone

Becoming emotionally intelligent isn’t easy, but it’s always worth it.

When we invite God into our emotional lives, we experience His transformative power and goodness. It might not always look like we’d expect, but we can trust that His plans are ultimately for our good [Jeremiah 29:11]. Our emotional pathways may be a bit rocky with unexpected twists, turns, and inner turmoil. However, the more we tend to our emotions, the more we can remove the stones and weeds that trip our souls and wind their way around our hearts.

The best part? God meets us where we are.

Tending to our emotions might look like spending time in a worship session, having a heart-to-heart with a friend who hurt us, or taking a few mental health days to recharge. It might look like sitting in a counselor’s office with a couple crumpled tissues in our pocket. No matter how it looks on the outside, know that the inner work of Christ will transform your outer life.